Should you give stickers and rewards to your children?

Behaviour management strategies like stickers and other rewards are widely used by parents, carers and teachers around the World. But are they effective in improving behaviour?  

In the short term, yes, because your child will ‘tidy their bedroom in return for a chocolate bar’ or ‘put their toys away in return for a sticker’. However, what we are doing is giving a reward for things we believe they wouldn’t freely choose to do. Imagine if your child would only help an elderly person across a road if they received a reward!   

Our intentions, when using rewards are good, we want to raise kind, hardworking, compassionate members of society. So, we use rewards to change behaviour – we reward our children when they use the potty, share their toys or are kind to others. We also use rewards to improve performance like completing homework tasks, getting good marks at school or practicing a musical instrument. 

The problem comes when we stop giving rewards. Rewards are only effective for as long as we are giving them out. And yes, it is possible to continue handing out rewards forever. But it’s really not practical. And we run into trouble when our kids get older and the rewards they expect become larger or more expensive. Plus, do you really want your children to only help out around the house if there’s something in it for them? 

As parents we must remember that children are human beings with minds, wills and moods of their own. We would be doing them a disservice if we assume that the only way for them to be ‘good’ is to manipulate them into it with rewards. We want to raise our children to do the right things simply because it’s the right thing!  

Praising our children when they make good choices works far better, and has more longevity, telling your child you are proud of them, spending more time as a family because the ‘jobs’ have all been done or working towards a common goal for example a family day out. Yes, this is a reward but both people in the relationship are benefitting from it, children will learn that cooperation is more important than compliance.  

If you do choose to use stickers or other reward systems, you are not a bad parent, just make sure you are clear what they are for. Once your child earns a sticker it cannot be taken away. Target one behaviour at a time and be consistent. Make sure the targeted behaviour is achievable, and your expectations are realistic for your child’s age and stage of development. (It would be unrealistic to expect a 3-year-old to keep their bedroom tidy every day for a month!) Agree with your child how many stickers they must achieve to receive a reward. For example, if the target is ‘to get dressed without any arguments’ your child would receive a sticker for each day they met the target. Once they have 5 stickers, they can choose a reward. Agree the choice of rewards ahead of time and limit the reward to a choice of 2 things, for example, 'watching a movie together or going to the park’. You are still giving your child a choice which will help to motivate them.  

Rewards do not have to cost money most children would prefer quality time with a parent than a toy which will be quickly discarded once they have got bored of it.  

Ideas for rewards: 

Bake a cake together 

Make popcorn and watch a movie 

Go on a treasure hunt around the garden 

Play a board game together 

Sit in a cozy corner and share a favourite story 

Go for a walk in the woods 

Give your child your undevoted time for 30 minutes (no phones and no distractions)